I Know That You Love Me
by Tom Baker
Lesson: Text, Chap. 5, III. The Guide to Salvation
Date: July 2, 2008
One afternoon several years ago I was sitting with a couple in my office. The couple was arguing. I had been trying to intervene and help each to see the other's perspective but my attempts at mutual understanding had no impact. Instead of trying to fix the problem, I decided to listen closely to it. I began to listen for the message behind this man and this woman's words, what is sometimes called in communication theory the meta-message. At first, I heard each saying that they were right and the other was wrong. Then I heard each claim that the other had hurt them and, far worse, that person had hurt their children. The accusation that the other had hurt my children (the fact that children belong to both parents is often lost early in these arguments) inflamed both parties with guilt and rage and I began to pray. I then heard the woman say, "If you really loved me you never would have done that." The Holy Spirit directed me to look closely and sensitively at the woman's face. I saw in her expression a profound look of fear and this roused me out of my listening mode and I asked her, "Do you really think he doesn't love you?" In a small voice she said that she didn't know. Without any coaching on my part he leaned toward her and said, "I do love you but I know it must be hard to believe." The argument died away immediately. There was quiet, even peace in the room. I felt a shift into calm simplicity, the sign to me that I have become receptive to the Holy Spirit. For the rest of the hour the three of us talked about how hard it is to believe that we are loved. How, in fact, it is a fixed belief, especially in regard to those closest to us, that we are not loved and never will be. Reflecting on the session I realized that the ego was directing this marriage and the result was conjugal warfare. As the Course says of the ego: "Peace is the ego's greatest enemy because, according to its interpretation of reality, war is the guarantee to its survival. The ego becomes strong in strife. If you believe there is strife you will react viciously, because the idea of danger has entered your mind. The idea itself is an appeal to the ego. The Holy Spirit is as vigilant as the ego to the call of danger, opposing it with His strength just as the ego welcomes it. The Holy Spirit counters this welcome by welcoming peace. Eternity and peace are as closely related as are time and war." (T. Chap. 5, III. pp. 79-80).
The ego has trained us to believe three things about other people: First, they do not love us, second, they are trying to hurt us, and third, they finally may kill us. While this may sound absurd at first blush, the viciousness that attends human relationships on all levels from the most personal to the most international suggests that we do believe it. We put it into practice when there is strife and we sense danger, which for many of us can be every few minutes. Thus, with the ego as our guide, we believe that our significant other does not love us, is often trying to hurt us, and may try to kill us. Sounds like television or divorce court or some dark thoughts you or I had only yesterday about someone close to us.
If we were stuck here, life really would be a hopeless proposition. But we are not stuck here. We have made ourselves at home here. We are used to believing that we are not loved. That's why we've have gotten so good at the substitutes for love: money, addictions, fantasy, and constant distractions. The solution is simple. But because we are at home in the complexity of a private and public world that does not believe that anyone is really loved, the simple is not so easy for us. The simple, if not so easy solution, is to practice the knowing that your significant other, your parents, your children, in fact everyone in the world loves you. Of course, no one is fully aware of this and most people, should you tell them that they love you, will strenuously oppose this notion. Outside of those you are intimate with, it is best to simply think the Holy Spirit inspired thought that they love you and, in addition to that, are not trying to hurt you and will not finally kill you.
For those you are intimate with, it is good to repeat this idea with lots of confidence out loud, as in "I know you love me" or "Since you love me..." or "It's no secret that you love me" etc. It is important to get out of the habit of doubting that they love you. This means that you correct yourself every time you connect a behavior, tone of voice, or particular set of words to them not loving you. Whatever we have come to believe we will try to prove, so stopping the ego's strategy of doubt will take a good deal of attention. As you practice it, however, it gets much easier because, of course, it's true, they do love you even if they don't act or talk like it.
When you believe that another person loves you then you are recognizing the Holy Spirit in them: "The way to recognize your brother is by recognizing the Holy Spirit in him." (T. Chap. 5, III, p. 78). As you spread this idea out to include more and more people the notion most opposed by the ego will start to make experiential, not just intellectual sense. That notion is that God loves you. Since God loves you, you can trust God and never worry again that you are bad. That is the end of the world as we have known it and the beginning of joy as we have dreamed it.
The assignment for next week is T. Chapter 5, IV. Teaching and Healing (the next section after today's assignment) and Lesson 107 Truth will correct all errors in my mind.
I also recommend a book entitled The Shack by William P. Young. The New York Times book review, on whose paperback bestseller list it is # 1, describes it this way: "A man whose daughter was abducted is invited to an isolated shack, apparently by God." This book is a fascinating handling of the problem of evil, some of it reflecting A Course In Miracles, some not. God is depicted in the book as a rotund, African American woman named "Papa" who describes the problematic human condition as follows: "People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside." p.189. After reading The Shack I think I understand the ego a bit better.
© Copyright Tom Baker 2008