The Process of Forgiving
by Tom Baker
Lesson: Lessons 71 through 74
Date: May 9, 2010
There is a concept in childcare that amounts to catching the child in doing well rather than catching them in an act of misbehavior; a form of positive reinforcement. In the Course, this psychological principle is spiritualized into seeing the holiness in a person, even when the behavior is unholy: "When a brother behaves insanely, you can heal him only by perceiving the sanity in him." This approach panics the ego whose very existence relies of the dynamic of defense and attack. Thus the ego will come back with example after example of terrible behavior that must be punished in defense of life itself, rendering the point moot "in real life."
However, there is another more foundational point that cries out to be heard. The Course makes the point in a number of places that the ego's form of forgiveness makes the error "real" then has us overlook it, which amounts to a repressed or buried grievance that continues to influence our behavior from a mostly unconscious level of awareness. Certainly one cannot do psychotherapy very long without seeing the truth in what the Course says. The most common repressed material is either grievance based (against another) or shame based (against one's self) and that grievance is not released until what the person did or failed to do is no longer connected to or conflated with the identity of the person. In fact with trauma techniques like EMDR, Gestault and some forms of hypnosis the client often naturally comes to the conclusion that the behavior was not indicative of who the perpetrator is or who the client is or both. In that way, while the behavior "happened" it was not the being of the person that caused it to happen nor did it change the being of the person it happened to. In the Course's terms this would mean the error was not real because it did not come from being or affect the being of the other. For the Course, only that which is eternal and that which can be universally shared is real.
Because we have come to identify so closely with form, especially the form of our bodies and the behavior of those bodies, we think of what people do and say to us as real and as final. The impression of the crucified Jesus is far more real to us than the idea of the risen Jesus of which we have no agreed upon image. Yet the risen Jesus is the living, abiding presence and the crucified Jesus is a mental concept stored in memory. The Course is teaching us to go beyond a remembered past and to stop short of a hypothetical future, and instead stay in the holy instant in which the Holy Spirit is guiding us. In essence we are asking that forgiveness happen through God (Lesson 46, God is the Love in which I forgive) and that in the will of God my conflicts, while emotionally compelling, are not real (Lesson 74, There is no will but God's).
Eckhart Tolle seems to support this in his book A New Earth when he says:
"It requires honesty to see whether you still harbor grievances, whether there is someone in your life you have not completely forgiven, an 'enemy.' If you do, become aware of the grievance both on the level of thought as well as emotion, that is to say, be aware of the thoughts that keep it alive, and feel the emotion that is the body's response to those thoughts. Don't try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it [the grievance] has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self, to keep the ego in place. The seeing is freeing. Jesus' teaching to 'Forgive your enemies' is essentially about undoing one of the main egoic structures in the human mind."
When the Course counsels us to perceive the sanity in the other it is directing us to a process in which the reality or the Christ in the other and yourself is the focus of attention rather than the "undoing" or "release" of the grievance. I agree with Eckhart when he says not to try to let go of the grievance or, for that matter, not to try to let go of the ego. Our minds are still sane enough not to accept a negative concept. If you are addicted to nicotine and I hypnotize you and suggest that you "stop smoking" your mind will only picture yourself smoking and feeling frustrated or guilty. Yet if I have you picture yourself "smoke free," tasting your food, breathing fresh air, and riding a bicycle with both hands on the handlebars, you will see yourself as a non-smoker. With the positive imagery, a new self concept can be pictured and, with hypnosis, to some degree experienced. This is analogous to seeing the sanity in the other rather than making his or her mistakes real through correction then trying to let those mistakes go.
© Copyright Tom Baker 2010